My Thoughts on AI

I’ve used it somewhat recently and it greatly helped me in what I needed it for, but the evils of AI are too enormous to overall promote or actively tolerate this.  There must be an international agreement to stop this from developing or we risk a futuristic, totally secularist dystopic future, not to mention extinction.  

For all the seemingly limitless uses of AI now and in the future, turning the world into a futuristic utopia on the edge of self destruction isn’t worth the benefits.  Given the current state of the world, that is the certain future of AI.  We would need the wisdom of the Amish, that is to be very intentional in our use of technology, but we let technology rule us, to stand over us making us slaves to it as a substitute idol for God, rather than to stand over it as its master. 

But at the same time, no matter how traditionalist my orientation is to modern  technology and AI, its use is unavoidable for most at least in the future, just as it is with a car or smart phone.  I’ve noticed lately calling customer service lines, you’re sometimes forced to interact with an AI, and to be honest that process is admittedly nicer and more efficient, even though replacing segments of the work force with machines will result in moral and cultural disaster. 

I am a traditionalist, but not an absolute Luddite.  The Church after all does not condemn technology since it is morally neutral per se in itself, though certain technologies I would argue are still practically evil by design, regardless of use, their very existence offending God (ex: artificial birth control).  

So there is a very fine line how far the world should develop new technology vs. rely on traditional tools, and to what degree we should indulge in modern technology.  Much depends on one’s state in life, occupation, personality, social setting, etc.  

But we have to take a birds eye, or rather an orbital, global, Google Earth view of this looking down on Earth and the timeline.  Personally, I think the modern infrastructure of the modern age in all its technology as a whole strongly tends towards evil, and practically should be resisted by living a more traditional, simple life with few modern gadgets. 

At the same time, since AI isn’t intrinsically evil, while I think its progress should be haulted and examined to be used responsibly in a very conservative way (such as in medicine, which is hard to not accept as invaluable to treating disease; but definitely NOT to augment human nature), I am finding all kinds of uses for it.  It lacks consciousness, personhood, and actual morality, but in terms of knowledge, analytical abilities, memory, and the like, even just the AI’s you can download on your phone (I am currently using Meta AI) are practically a super intelligence, immeasurably greater than the smartest of humans.  

For example, when researching a subject on the internet, I can do it on my own, or I can have AI do the search, which is beyond imagination better than I can do.  Once upon a time AI was mere fantasy.  And then next thing you know it is here and trending.  

We are not merely being asked to think about this, but to accept the apparent fact a brave new world is on the horizon in which AI rules over everything.  Perhaps then that is when God has had enough and arranges events to wipe out much of humanity with nuclear war.  

Given how much AI is paired up with transhumanism, trying to make man into God by evolving human nature to include AI in the brain, there is no chance in which God and nature itself doesn’t chastise humanity back onto our knees. 

So those are my thoughts about AI.  In the end no supercomputer however smart will be as magnificent as God’s greatest creation, and that is human nature as He already made it, in the image and likeness of God.

God Confirmed My Diagnosis Through a Miracle

I recently got an email from a reader who is an MD (!) urging me to get a work up of tests to rule out any serious physical illness, based on an August, 2023 post here about my sudden outbreak of nerve and muscle pain etc the summer of 2023.

To exhaust those tests UNLESS I already have.   

At this point in my healing journey, it was a pleasure to let him know that YES I have received an exhaustive work up of tests, imaging, and specialists way back, all ruling out any serious physical cause.   That resulted in the final confirmation of psychosomatic illness already made by two doctors and a licensed counselor.  

It generally begins in chronic stress, past unresolved traumatic events, a perfect storm of events in a short period of time, relatively minor health issues, hypochondria, which itself escalates to severe hypochondria, which causes essentially temporary changes in the deep brain in the basal ganglia and amygdala, resulting in what is caused centralization. External stimuli from the body become very amplified, including stimuli that only your unconscious mind is aware of.   This includes pain, fatigue, and weakness, that may be so minimal normally you are not consciously aware of it.  But then suddenly there is an outbreak of amplified symptoms.  

One version is called conversion disorder, which is a sudden neurological deficit.  For example, my neurologist’s brother, himself a doctor, had a bad break up with his girlfriend followed by a sudden paralysis of one leg and urinary incontinence both lasting for some time, until after he himself saw specialists and ruled out a serious physical cause, and coming down from the stress, it eventually resolved.  What I am recovering from, psychosomatic disorder, the more current term being somatic symptom disorder, is similar, in that the mechanism is primarily in the brain from extreme stress.

One common presentation of psychosomatic disorder, also called somatic symptom disorder, is a sudden outbreak of nerve and muscle pain in both arms, as well as weak and heavy limbs, extreme fatigue, brain fog, insomnia, and irritable bowel.  It’s basically your body’s inflammation dialed up to a conscious and severe state of disabling pain and fatigue.  

Fortunately it is reversible.  I had this in 2017 and fully recovered, and this time beginning summer of 2023 I’ve shown many times signs and a couple periods of recovery, so I’m confident I will recover, always having to add “God’s will be done.”

But with this disorder, with the sudden outbreak, naturally you need to first seek testing and specialists to rule out physical causes which I did, but it was a long process.And ultimately what is key to recovery is full acceptance of the diagnosis, that it is a practical certainty there is no serious physical cause, but also resigning yourself to the fact it is not an absolute certainty.  Given the fact it began with extreme stress and hypochondria, being in that state is challenging to emerge from and to mentally accept it is exclusively or mainly psychological in nature, and to “let go,” when all the while your symptoms feel very real with very real effects in the body.

Such was my quest last summer to work through all my remaining doubts and need for more medical information, doing many deep dives on this condition and the conditions already ruled out, to gain closure.  That felt nearly impossible to do, but all things are possible with God, and it was mainly through prayer and miraculous interventions that I reached peace of mind.  

I’ve already blogged about the miraculous effects of praying to and visiting the incorrupt body of the saintly Sr. Whilhelmina in Missouri, and plan to blog more about that and other miracles I experienced around the same time.  But this post is to share the most profound miracle for me in achieving the peace of mind I was seeking.

Last Spring for four months nearly all  my symptoms disappeared for nearly the entire period of four months. However, the condition had stressed my body so much I had very bad sinus allergies that affected my ears including an ear infection that resulted in a perforated ear drum that spiked my very low level tinnitus to a high pitch.  Fortunately after a couple months the perforation healed and tinnitus went back to a low level, but I was very stressed out by the high level of tinnitus with fear the new high level would be permanent.  That stress was followed by a severe tooth abscess that, despite rounds of antibiotics, and two procedures to complete a root canal, resulted in severe swelling and pain that lasted nearly a month.

It seems because of this extreme stress that all the pain etc returned in early May.  The relative peace of mind I had already achieved accepting I was recovering from psychosomatic disorder went out the door, me obsessing again what was causing the relapse of symptoms.  Part of my mind still knew it was psychosomatic condition, but the fact it returned caused me to have to examine it all over again for the better part of the summer.

And so it was in August I intensified my prayers, which led to miraculous events.

One day I just left the gym at Ascension St. John’s and felt inspired to go over to the hospital’s adoration chapel to pour my heart out to God.  When I had the same outbreak in 2017, it was going to this particular gym at the Catholic hospital, and praying at the hospital’s adoration chapel, that helped me then totally recover. Which is why I returned again, except I realized that day I had not yet gone over to the same chapel.  Also, I had already been experiencing what appeared to be divine signs, the first day joining the gym seeing in the locker room the neurologist who told me he did not think I had actual neuropathy or any neurological disease, the second day at the gym seeing my niece who I hadn’t seen in seven years, etc.  The day before I was driving out of the hospital complex from the gym and saw again my neurologist walking down the sidewalk.

So that day I felt something (God) pushing me to go to the chapel and make a commitment to formally accept before God the psychosomatic diagnosis and set aside anymore consideration of something else.  Up until then I had been praying a perpetual novena to all the saints of healing I could think of, including the saintly Sr. Wilhelmina, the rosary, and a deliverance prayer from demonic oppression and obsession.  I went to the chapel, said all three, intensely looking into the tabernacle (this is no longer strictly speaking an adoration chapel since the Blessed Sacrament is no longer exposed, but I still call it that), accepting my diagnosis but asking to be healed, and then got up and walked out.  I imagined as I stepped out of that room, that final step represented my final acceptance.  Moments later I stepped out of the building, walked down a few stairs, and right in front of a statue of St. Francis holding a lamb, something happened that is impossible to call a mere coincidence.  I crossed paths with the doctor who initially one year before told me he thought it was probably a stress response, using the term psychosomatic.  The odds of this being a mere coincidence are almost zero.  Add to that the fact that had I not been praying these three prayers together already, I would have left the chapel earlier or later.  Had I left 15 seconds earlier or later, our paths could not have crossed.  Add to this he was working at the family practice office in a suburb, and I hadn’t known he had transferred to the hospital.  I almost immediately knew this couldn’t be a coincidence. 

Later I was reflecting on this more intensely and drew the connection and obvious meaning of these coinciding events.  A) I had been praying for healing, to be released of the obsessions, and to finally accept the somatic diagnosis, before Christ in the tabernacle, and then B) as I left the building I crossed paths with the doctor I had not seen for a year who initially thought it was probably psychosomatic.  What were coinciding were A and minutes later B.  A was praying for closure, and B was in fact the answer to the prayer, God providing the closure.  The divine meaning communicated was that the doctor was correct in what he thought was the probable cause, and that is psychosomatic disorder, and NOT a serious physical condition.   This was the Divine Physician giving me the ultimate diagnosis, confirming the final diagnosis, through a miraculous intervention, as an act of mercy, to finally set my mind at ease.

And to confirm this, when I connected the dots clearly between A and B, at that very moment nearly all my symptoms (temporarily) faded away, lifted, and disappeared.

I hope if you’ve read this post this strengthens your faith in the all powerful and all wise God.  If you know people dealing with doubt or disbelief, please share this with them.

Vatican Approves Homosexuals to Become Priests

This is up there with the Pachamama worship in the Vatican. There is a reason homosexuals have officially never been allowed in the seminary or to become priests, and that is because you must be free of serious mental illness, in particular of a sexual kind, that orients you objectively to unnatural and perverse acts.  It is no different in that regard to allowing a known pedophile into the seminary.  Even if the person is able to be celibate, they are still oriented to perverse acts. And consider that most cases of priests molesting children, the incidence of which has exploded since Vatican II, involves a homosexual male molesting a male. This is an act of Pope Francis, and ranks up there with his other errors. The popesplainers would label us as dissenters and disobedient for criticizing this decision by the pope, but it does not fall under papal infallibility, and it contradicts the constant tradition of the Church.  This will only confuse Catholics even more what they are to believe. And canon law #  212 allows us to raise our objections and concerns. That is our duty.   Lord have mercy on us. So be it.  God will restore the Church one day. Life goes on.  Better to focus on the brightness of the sun above, than the black abyss below. 

Inspiring First Time Tasting Grilled Tuna

I give thanks for my life and that of my wife, as we just celebrated each of our’s birthdays with a birthday dinner at the famous White River Fish Market.  As an older, very friendly Hispanic woman brought us our meals, I asked her what tuna tastes like, that is the fresh fish not the tuna in the can, and she later brought me a small sample of grilled tuna.  She understandably could not give me more than an ounce or two as it is $23/pound, but when I tasted it I was amazed.  

Grilled tuna tastes very similar to rib eye steak! This blew my mind. A very healthy piece of fish rich in healthy fats inflicting omega-3’s and it tastes like a choice cut of beef?

For those of you following my journey of health recovery (update: I keep improving in my overall condition one day at a time), I take every inspiration for the future I can get. And for me, this was inspiration.  

My wife being from the Philippines, and my mother being 89 years old, our plan is, after her time comes, to move to the Philippines. And I anticipate, God’s will be done, to be able to live very nicely off the interest of my inheritance.  Yet, I would still work online and do part-time volunteering locally in physical therapy (would consider opening a traditional Catholic mission free outpatient clinic).  

Would even continue the Okie Traditionalist when we move there but change the title to include “(now living in the Philippines)).” 

So lately for motivation each day to follow all the aspects of my daily recovery protocol, I’ve been watching YouTube videos of American expats traveling and living in the Philippines.  There is this one very entertaining young expat guy, actually from Canada, with a hugely successful channel called BecomingFilipino, becoming now a Filipino citizen.  In some videos he stood at road side outdoor markets and often buys tuna to grill. 

To catch tuna, fishermen must go far out and fish deep sea water with special nets and techniques.  Tuna are very strong, powerful, muscular fish, hence the richness of their muscle.  Popular kinds of tuna are blue and fellow tuna.  Whereas tuna here is very expensive at, as I mentioned, $23/pound or higher, and is still relatively on the upper end for Filipinos, with American dollars (58 pesos = $1), it is 200 pesos per kilo, or $1.57/pound! For s very healthy fish that tastes very close to ribeye. 

One day, God willing, I will be sitting in my new house near the beach in the Philippines enjoying grilled tuna.  That thought is very motivating for me right now.  There is something very life giving and healthy about life in the Philippines, nature there, everything that comes from nature including fresh healthy food, and life from the ocean.  I don’t know (yet) very well what it is about living near the ocean, but there is something rejuvenating about the salt water in the air, the breezes, and the climate.  

And as a lover of nature, someone who has since childhood really immersed himself in nature, finding God through nature, I am today very thankful for this little birthday gift of discovering tuna, which comes from the life-giving oceans the Creator gave us.  Deo gratias.

My goal is when I’ve recovered to where I was back in September, to go buy a pound of tuna from the White River Fish Market near by, and grill it Filipino style, and I will share that milestone here with a photo.

Snow in Tulsa Area. My Thoughts.

One of the nice aspects of living in Ollahoma is the fact our climate is relatively moderate, which includes relatively mild winters.  So when it snows just a couple or a few times each winter, it is delightful, although more treacherous for travel.  

Our cities and towns are not as equipped to clear ice and snow from roads as those parts of the country receiving more wintery weather, so it takes longer to clear the roads, and meanwhile most Okies are not well experienced navigating winters roads. 

What is normal daily fare in say Madison, Wisconsin in January (I lived there for a year after college), that is getting inches of snow often daily, is a major stressor here.  Nature here does not require us to develop the habit of driving in snow and ice.

So were my wife’s thoughts about me venturing out last night to get something to eat. She being from the Philippines, this 2-3 inches of snow (as if last night, now it’s 7 inches) may well have been for her a life-threatening blizzard.  For someone with considerable high level past experience driving in wintery weather (from the year up North), 2-3 inches is nothing…except that stint up North was over 25 years ago, we Okies clear out roads slower, and people just generally have low level driving skills here driving in wintery weather since we don’t get much wintery weather.  

Truth be told, I think I go through this every year.  It snows and ices, and I don’t think it’s that big of a deal and venture out in exploration, thinking more about the adventure or need to get out, yet run into treacherous road hazards, vehicles slid off the road, and drivers seemingly not mentally prepared for navigating the sudden, unpredictable shifts in snow and ice on the road surface.  

When I ventured out last night with optimism, to just go two miles to the nearest gas station, by the time I was headed back I was praying Hail Mary’s to get back safely.  Not as much because I felt unease with my own driving, as with other people’s driving.  

I kept getting stuck behind a very slow car, seemingly so slow to avoid sliding off the road, but too slow to prevent getting stuck in the middle of the road if you hit a rough spot or start going up hill.  I kept praying for the other drivers in front of me (in frustration) that they wouldn’t slow traffic down so much that me and other cars could end up stuck going uphill.   

As cars slowed down in front of me, I slowed down, resulting in lost traction, and at moments the tires were spinning. 

It was a short adventure and life lesson.

It reminded me to be more safe driving in winter weather in Oklahoma, including the next time it snows this season (if it even does) and to keep in mind that Okies just aren’t used to driving in winter weather, all the more reason to stay home and play it safe.  

Our lack of winter weather driving skills (including still to some degree my own) isn’t really our fault.  It’s because we don’t get much winter weather in which to practice driving under those conditions  

At any rate, I keep being aware there is a spiritual meaning to everything around us.  God has us understand this through general observation, reflection, and intuition.  

And so as I gazed out across the falling snow, and now this white landscape, I think God created snow (in part) as artwork to be enjoyed from the warmth of the home looking outward, according to the dictates of Nature.  Snow and cold weather drives us indoors, but its whiteness reminds us of purity and childlike innocence.  

White being a symbol of purity, the good, the absence of evil, and innocence. And once snow drives us indoors to hunker down, it simultaneously beckons us to wonder at what it symbolizes by musing upon it through our windows.  It seems to be one way each year God purifies us, but with beauty and joy.

LA Fires Sign of God’s Punishment of Liberal Hollywood

I do not believe in coincidences.  Or rather, the older I get the more I realize how much God is communicating a divine message through what appears to be coincidences.  

The fires in LA wiping out parts of Hollywood and many celebrity homes is not a coincidence.  It is a divine message from God.  

And given the nature of how God communicates this way often to the world, we are entrusted with the responsibility of interpreting the signs of the times.

How many people have been damned from watching or listening to gravely immoral images and messages through the entertainment industry? The same industry to s great extent responsible for spreading the anti-Christian cultural revolution of the 1960’s and beyond. 

One of my favorite actors, Anthony Hopkins, is one of the celebrities whose house was burned down.  While he tends to play decent roles in decent movies, there are not a few roles and movies he has been in that are immoral.  I think for one his portrayal of Pope Benedict in the Two Popes movie was defaming, intellectually dishonest, and biased against traditional Catholicism.  Perhaps this was a punishment just for that.  

There are positive signs of reform in Hollywood such as the more recent Mel Gibson films.  (Update: even Mel’s home was not spared).  Entertainment is part of life, and movies have become the new literature to spread ideas.  May Hollywood, or at least some genuine players in that industry, take this as sign to make movies and music that are once again Godly, that is like God, or in accord with God. 

Kyrie eleison.  PS If Anthony Hopkins is reading this, I appreciated your candid talk you gave to Thomas Aquinas College in California, available on YouTube.

Reply to Fr. Nix. My Thoughts on Annulments

Fr. Nix, who I follow and appreciate very much, recently gave the typical scathing traditionalist critique of post-conciliar annulments, which is essentially the same put forward by the SSPX. 

I generally agree with this critique, with some exceptions or perhaps counter points.

However, I think dangers of scrupulosity and rigorism should also be avoided, not to mention the spiritual and mental torture that can sincerely come with resolving irregular marriages.  

Catholics have a right to consult their parish priest, including their traditionalist priest, for an opinion about their marriage’s validity, ask the diocese if their marriage is invalid, and in good conscience can remarry if an annulment is granted.  

Personally, I think there are many more invalid marriages than traditionalists will admit, based on traditional norms of nullity.  For one, you must believe that marriage is indissoluble and commit yourself to that, otherwise it could be invalid. How can you enter into something indissoluble if you think it is dissoluble?  

That would be the equivalent of taking your vows at the altar, “until death do you part,” while keeping your fingers crossed behind your back. 

Also, many Catholics entering marriage in the Church don’t believe in this.  And, as Father admits, the majority of granted annulments are due to a lack of form, meaning they got married outside the Church.  So yes in fact the majority of annulments are valid. 

The problem is, yes, the Church authorities are granting annulments like the Catholic version of divorce.  But, the shame is also on individual Catholics marrying outside the Church, treating marriage more like formalizing their live-in relationship than an indissoluble bond.

On one hand, I think this critique must be repeated in a general way across the Church so that the Church can reform not only its annulment process, but undo all the modernist and progressivist changes in the Church that created a climate of infidelity to Church teaching, including about marriage.  

On the other hand, for couples already living together in civil marriage, especially with children, it makes sense to me for most to pursue an annulment as long as there are genuine reasons to doubt the original marriage.  

Also, I don’t think the tribunal is pretending to know the mind of God absolutely about the marriage, but to give a best estimation which is fallible.  They can be wrong, but Catholics have a right to petition for an annulment and follow the judgment, even if it turns out they end up objectively in a state of adultery without knowing that. They wouldn’t be committing a sin, and would still be given graces from the other sacraments, if it turns out in the end to be an invalid annulment.  

If there was a lack of form, i.e. they married outside of the Church, that is cut and dry.  If there is evidence that one or both lacked a commitment to the Christian meaning of marriage, especially if not believing in indissolubility, or was deceiving the other person about something serious, or acted against their vows shortly after making them indicating possible deceit on some level, or lack of proper consent, then it is the job of the tribunal to figure that out.  

But first one consults their priest, and since that should be a traditionalist priest, in my opinion, then generally most traditionalist priests will strictly apply the traditional norms and theology of annulments and generally advise against annulment, though not always.  The traditional Catholic in these situations today is stuck between a very faulty annulment process and the non-binding, private judgment of traditionalist priests who are the ones most upholding the doctrines on marriage, truth be told.

Also, consider the de facto treatment by the SSPX of Catholics attending their chapels who are divorced and remarried, that is with an annulment, even if the Society themselves doubted the validity of the annulment in the first place, so much so they would not witness the second marriage.  They still treat them as being in good faith, in good standing, and able to receive ordinarily the sacraments.

This is all my personal opinion on the very complex topic that is post-conciliar annulments. Generally, we ought to oppose the crisis in Church annulments, and discourage that process when the marriage was a standard Catholic marriage apparently without any of a wide number of irregularities, but instead encourage temporary separation or better eventual reconciliation.  The veracity and graces of Holy Matrimony can overcome the greatest obstacles in marriage, because that is a lot of what marriage is, to put up with the worst until one of you dies. Period.  Unless there is serious abuse warranting separation. 

Yet, at the same time, for couples already living together, especially with kids, I think for most they should pursue an annulment, that is simply to ask if their previous marriages were valid or not.  It would be even more heroic generally for these couples to remain celibate, if the potential annulment is questionable, but given today’s culture, that seems unreasonable for most.  They have the choice and the right either way.

In conclusion, the whole annulment situation is a huge mess with the breakdown of marriage and current Church authorities adopting liberal policies. But in our secularist society, there is a major watering down of the meaning of marriage and commitment to it, prior to marriage, which ironically leaves me sympathizing with the question how many marriages today are valid in the modern West, whether Catholic, Protestant, or otherwise.

My last point, I don’t adhere to any system of traditionalist thought or action absolutely.  I see flaws from all circles, including the SSPX.  The SSPX wants laity who attend their chapels to only go through their annulment tribunal if they question the validity of their marriage, which I understand to a point since annulments today are generally so questionable. Yet, valid criticism has been made how any Catholic organization outside of a bishop and diocese can claim the authority to declare a marriage to be valid or not. Imposing that requirement seems authoritarian. I don’t condemn this, but I have reservations about it. In charity, I assume the Society is generally not imposing this in an authoritarian way.  

Novena is Over. The Power of Prayer

Too often have I neglected that level of prayer my situation requires. The more difficult it is, all the more reason to organize my day around prayer, and devote myself to prayer itself.  This is not my own wisdom, but that of the Church.  When interviewing one of Sister Wilhelmina’s Sisters, the one who nursed her in her last years of life, I asked her what Sr. W would tell those suffering greatly.  She said two things, to go to your mother Mary; and two, to be devoted to a daily discipline of prayer.  Prayer is the answer for all troubles big and small, this lesson being one I continue to cultivate.  I just finished a nine day prayer, that is a Novena, that God would greatly bring me out of my symptoms to the point they were a few months ago.  As of nine days ago, starting the Novena, it was pretty hellish.  Nine days later, I can report I have sustained very low symptoms now for several days, feeling like I’m recovering.  Thanks be to God.  

Muslim Terror Attack in New Orleans

To preserve my serotonin levels and peace of mind, I've accepted the fact these frequent tragedies are part of the post-modern landscape so much so to largely tune it out.  Catch the raw basic details of the event, pray briefly for those involved, and then move on.  God have mercy on the terrorist and those killed.  May He heal the wounded.  And may Trump secure our borders.  Amen.  Life goes on.

Happy New Year

May this next year be a blessed one for you and yours.  May it bring us one year closer to restoring all things to Christ, to His Second Coming and eternal paradise. May we all accomplish all those personal goals that align with God’s will and our state in life. May we overcome vices and grow spiritually, mentally, and in our physical health. And may Christmas blessings continue to come down upon us during this liturgical season of Christmas, a.k.a. Christmastide. Happy New Year. 

Zoo Membership for Birthday

I’m about to turn 50 on 1/4, got an early birthday gift of an annual membership to the zoo includes one guest accompanying me.  I chose this as part of my therapy and recovery.  Being around and bonding with animals is a common intervention for somatic pain disorder.  I plan frequent visits, for exercise, immersion in a natural setting, stress management, and to get to know the animals, especially ones you can interact with like in the petting zoo section.  I am showing some signs of recovery lately at the gym after alternating between the sauna, cold pool, and warm therapy pool, later the pain levels nearly disappearing. 

I am Not a Prophet

I’m not a prophet.  Unfortunately.  That divine gift would come in handy for driving up blog stats. But finally, looking at my New Years predictions from last year, I am no more a prophet than my three year old dog Lizzy.

Pope Francis did not approve of female deacons, or totally ban the TLM.  World War III has not broken out. And the world continues as it is, yet to collapse. 

In hindsight, my frame of mind was, and had been for some time, apocalyptic, conspiratorial, and very cynical.  This is not to say these things will not come to pass, but rather that if I am any wiser a year later, it is to be less apocalyptic, conspiratorial, and cynical, but more centered on the gift of the Present, fact based, and optimistic about this side of the grave.

Though I do still think it appears we are in the End Times, that much truth is derived from conspiracy theories, and the fact we are in a second dark age is itself cause for some cynicism.  It is all a matter of degree, and for me, the gauntlet my life has put me through the past year and a half has opened my eyes.

What matters more than any critical headline or subject matter circulating through the ecclesiastical and secular news cycles, for click bait, at least what matters one year later more to me is the eternal now of living each day for the good, the true, and the beautiful.  Not focusing on the past, or the future, or what’s off to the side in different directions, but focusing on what’s right out in the front.

That was actually one of several miraculous communications I received from God recently.  I had driven out of my mom’s neighborhood, and saw three fox puppies standing together on the side of the road in broad daylight, in hindsight seeming to be a sign of God’s presence as the Holy Trinity.  A couple weeks later a fox ran across the road in her neighborhood across my path, having only seen a fox before a few times in my life. And I do believe God communicates through signs in nature, and through culture. 

Here in Oklahoma, the traditional culture is Native American.  And according to Native American tradition, a fox crossing your path signifies God communicating through the fox like a divine messenger that you should stop focusing on the past, because doing so has deceived you, but rather by focusing on just what is in front of you, you receive clarity of mind and wisdom. Learning that hit home for me. In the Scriptures, the fox is a symbol of wisdom. 

My Christmas Message to the Most Vulnerable

The holidays are trying for most Americans because they remind people of family problems, and the season is partly about connecting with family.  With the breakdown of marriage, family, and true social/moral stability in the community, to a certain degree, since the 1960’s, for most that means having little to no stable extended family relations throughout the year, that is the kind of stability in which extended family is frequently there for each other, to rely upon.  

So our secularist culture forces strained relationships to come together in a strained way this time of year ultimately to sell products, to make $$$. Hence, the holiday blues. 

For me growing up, there was quite a bit of family strain, but I always looked forward to holiday get togethers to have some feeling of family connection, but since adulthood that has devolved even lower to a depressed state around the holidays.  For as long as I can recall, the extended family has not been attempting to come together, despite my own wishes and past attempts for it to do so. This is a challenging time of year for me.

Christmas goes beyond family celebrations and even liturgical celebration.  It is about divine truth coming down to us in the darkness to give us hope in salvation. 

Christ did not become a child…we do not just attend midnight Mass…nor exchange presents, for its own sake.  Christ entered the darkness as a means to an end, to show us the path of light into eternal life.

That is the joy of Christmas, that God actually became man so that one day we all may see the Beatific Vision and dwell within the divine life of God.  This all passes away, and one day even in heaven our ultimate joy is in God alone beyond any creature. 

And so, in this light, I want to especially talk to everyone reading this who is in a very vulnerable state.  Mg goal is, after you read this, that you will feel some added hope, love, and warmth to persevere through your trials to the very end, no matter how long it takes.  

You are a child of God made in His image and likeness, made to be with Him in heaven for eternity.This life is but a speck of dust compared to eternity.  

If we lose faith, hope, and love, and turn on God, including if we turn on our fellow man, through grave sin, which is a turning on God, and persist in that state unrepentant, then we lose our soul.  We condemn ourselves to a state of absolute turmoil and pain that never ends.  We go from this world of darkness into an absolute abyss of darkness. 

But Christ brought light into the world in the coldness of the Manger, in the middle of the night.  He was born into our darkness. His light and grace shines everywhere on Earth, from the Fall of Adam and Eve, until the Final Judgment Day.  And that light continues to permeate our man-made darkness. 

This blog post is for everyone reading this, but especially those who are extremely sick, mentally and physically.  There are cases of psychiatric illness that feel like hell, such as severe cases of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, or shorter term periods of extreme stress or depression. I’m also speaking to people who are in so much pain and physical impairment that they are essentially disabled, or bound to a wheel chair, or worse bed bound, or worse.

Try to imagine the hardship of being paralyzed, bed bound, in constant pain and discomfort of all kinds, with the knowledge your condition and state of suffering is permanent, escapable only by death if you die in the mercy of the Lord. 

This can happen to all of us, and there are indefinite number of illnesses that can result in permanent, excruciating disability.  I’m speaking to you, if you fit this. 

Also, I’m speaking to those who are very alone if not totally alone in this world, perhaps also dealing with serious illness, poverty, etc.  There are an indefinite number of situations like this in every walk of life. 

Even in the middle of the strain of the holiday season, or a depressing season, we have one constant, one reality, and that is that Christ was born in a manger on a cold night. 

God Himself entered in the most intimate way into our suffering.  We can not see it, but Christ literally, and still does, take in all the darkness and pain of this life, of every illness, every hardship, every cross no matter how big. 

One day very soon, if we die in faith and grace, we will leave the darkness of this world and enter eternal life. We will have no more pain, death, suffering, illness, aging, loneliness, injustice, or sorrow.  We will only have joy and thanksgiving, complete satisfaction and pleasure in our bodies and minds.  

And most of all we will have God Himself transcending all things. Just as ultimately in our suffering in this life we are alone with God, transcending our situation being pulled into God alone, so in the next life, according to the doctrine of the Church, our happiness is ultimately in God alone.

That is the truth of the Christmas manger. Beyond darkness and cold and suffering, even beyond all created things, is Christ Himself, first made known to us as a child in the manger, incarnate into our lives. 

What other choice do we have, especially if you are suffering greatly.  We have choices. We can and must choose what to do.  We can choose darkness and sin, or Christ and holiness. 

We can throw off our cross and commit despair, coping with despair through fleeting moments of sinful pleasure, or we can resist temptation to despair and sin every moment we are awake, and have faith, hope, and charity, live uprightly, and offer our crosses back to Christ to save our soul and that of others. 

And it is the grace of Jesus Christ that helps us do this.  Without it, we are truly in darkness without hope, or a reason to hold on to the end.

Suffering is a gift, even more so if undeserved. If you are a good practicing Catholic, Christian, but suffering greatly, perhaps to a great extent, God knows, you are somewhat of a victim soul.  You’ve been been given what on the surface is a curse from the devil or world, like Job in the Old Testament, but more deeply in reality a blessed gift.  God sees that truth and reveals it to us, and we must have faith in this truth.  

That God gives us suffering because he loves us, to redeem us, to make us saints, but also to help make others saints, to make up for what is lacking in the body of Christ.  That is to suffer for others unwilling to accept suffering or have faith in God, and to obey Him.

If you are in a lot of pain, or confined to bed, or feel surrounded by darkness, remember the Cross, and cling to it.  Accept Christ’s gift of Himself united to your own cross.  

Hopefully if this Christmas season was sad or difficult, next year’s will be more bright, which God wants generally for people, but ultimately the blessing of every Christmas is Christ again coming into our souls to renew us.  Even if every Christmas proves dark and cold until you die, clinging to the Christ Child, falling down in adoration in the manger, receiving the warmth of the Holy Family, hopefully will lead one day to eternal bliss in paradise.  This life is but a speck of dust compared to eternity. 

Join me in this adventure of faith renewing today your commitment to a daily discipline of prayer, whatever you are able to do, because, as I’ve learned a lot about lately going through my own medical recovery from serious illness, God knows for how long (please keep my recovery in your prayers), all the graces I’ve talked about above come through one thing, essentially, and that is prayer. 

We can talk ad nauseum about all the sublime truths of our Faith, but the main way we experience it all is through prayer, which includes Mass and confession. God knows how much I’ve pondered divine truths while neglecting the very means by which we enjoy those divine truths. Prayer is the answer to every hard situation, no matter how hard.

Merry Christmas to everyone. 

Please Help My GoFundMe for Health Expenses, to Help Me Recover!

(Update: 12/25.  Merry Christmas!)

(Update: received a fourth donation today for $50! From an old friend and fellow traditional Catholic!  Thank you sir!)

(Update: 12/14.  Ok we’re at $100! See below new blog post dated to post below this one.  I review the new movie Conclave)

If you’ve benefited from this blog in the past, please consider helping my fundraiser for health care, health related expenses, to help with my recovery from somatic pain disorder.  Please consider it as an Advent penitential practice through almsgiving to someone who right now is very poor and in need. Please share on social media and with friends and family.  

Click on the link to donate, and you’ll see a photo of me and my IRL name!  Will post updates here. 

CLICK HERE 

FOR

FUNDRAISER:

My Road to Health Recovery

(I will leave this up at the top of the blog 

for a while.  When I write a new post, I will date it to still post below this post)

My Review of the New Movie Conclave

I watched it last night.  The acting, story line, and cinematography were very good.  I was engaged the entire film. It does good to show the beauty and order of the Vatican structure and conclave process, to communicate the gravity of the papal office and Apostolic See.  There are positive messages about the need for prayer, honesty, integrity, and observing the law.  

That said, it is a typical Hollywood screed against tradition vs progressive reform.  The Dean of the conclave preaches the need for doubt and to set aside certainty, while preaching tolerance.  It does not sound like the Gospel, but liberal humanism.  After all the hyper ambitious machinations of cardinals to elect their popular candidate, in the end they are moved to elect a quiet unknown Latino Cardinal, a missionary fighting social injustice in the third world, who…spoiler alert…turns out to be some kind of hermaphrodite, born with a female reproductive system.  It is a bow to the LQBTQ ideology and more generally relativism. The one Cardinal standing for a restoration of tradition is depicted as a racist, self-serving, and arrogant. 

In conclusion, Mel Gibson should one day make films showing the modernist and progressivist reality in the post-conciliar Vatican, and the need to return to the Church’s sacred tradition which has nourished saints since the Apostles. 

Please Help with $$ for Extended Peaceful Retreat

My goal is to return to my level of somatic pain symptoms in September.  I was showing signs of an impending full recovery after visiting the body of, and praying to the saintly Sr. Wilhelmina.  If I’m at those low level symptoms I can keep going upward to full recovery to return to work and normal life,

To do so at this point, I need to get away from things causing high stress, to destress in a major way. Basically a friendly environment, stabilized sleep schedule, three healthy meals a day, an environment conducive to prayer, meditation, and recollection, where I can be in nature, working my daily routine of recovery.

That leaves the following: an inpatient mental health facility, monastery, retreat house or alternative.  There are inpatient facilities that aren’t like a psychiatric hospital for suicidal people, but to address any mental health issue, and my condition  of somatic pain disorder is mainly psychological, but these are extremely expensive. 

Retreat centers only offer scheduled group retreats, and I’ve already contacted seven monasteries which either did not respond, were too expensive (Subiaco in AR = $125/day mandatory), or could not accommodate a longer stay.

That leaves me with no other choice than to go to a vacation style environment that meets the criteria, for as cheap as possible.  I’ve never been into cruises, but per day they are actually cheap and a very stable environment.  I think I could benefit comparably spiritually and psychologically from sitting on an open air ship deck contemplating the sunset praying Vespers from the Little Office, joining the wholesome group activities, and using the gym and spa services covered by the cruise cost.  As fantastic as it sounds, my research has landed me on this option.

You can literally take a two week cruise for $1000, which is $2000 for one month. Based on recent partial remissions of symptoms, I suspect this would work.

However, cruises are mostly booked up this time of year, plus airfare to the ports is high  If this does not work, the next best thing is an extended vacation near a beach in warm weather, eating cheap eats, and finding a cheap Air BnB.  Round trips to Puerto Rico are actually cheap right now, and I can get an Air BnB near the beach.  There is a Franciscan monastery and convent nearby, I could visit to ask for spiritual counsel and support, to eat wit them on occasion paying a stipend, and attend their liturgy of the hours.  There is one weekly TLM plus a weekly Byzantine rite.  Thinking to find a hostel where the owner takes mercy on me (since I would be paying them after all), and guides me daily in activities with support.  Could do a month there for $2000, much cheaper than if in the states.

Hopefully this will destress my brain enough to help me emerge out of the nerve and muscle pain that is debilitating, and mainly psychological.  Just a week ago for one day I was nearly symptom free but then it all came back.  So I have hope. 

I started this daily post about 20 minutes ago, but about 10 minutes in I thought of begging for financial help from readers.  My wife barely pays the bills and I am unable to work. My mom is in a fixed income, and what savings she has is for a new roof so she doesn’t lose her house insurance.

Basically I would need $2000 or more for this. I could start a GoFundMe, but that would mean using my legal name vs my online name, which affords me a much needed anonymity considering my topics and profession. But I may still do that since the need outweighs the need for anonymity, plus eventually I could privatize the fundraiser separate from the blog. 

In the meantime, is there any reader who is of the means to help me? Or one of you who knows someone with that means?  If someone will sponsor this, I can send you updates with pics and video on my recovery.  I will pray for you and yours long term.  

Also, if you have any alternative ideas, please let me know. 

If you can help, please text my wife at 918-282-6480, or email her at paixzafra@yahoo.com  I can provide a letter from my doctor verifying my condition and current inability to work, as well as references from priests as character references. 

New Beginning in Life

 I turn 50 in a month. I’m starting over in my life.  Have already been doing so for many months like a transition.  I’m shedding the ugly memories of very difficult, hurtful people in my life, and healing from that trauma. I grew up in a very abusive home. As a result I unconsciously was drawn to narcissistic people, and they to me ever since. The pattern of abuse became severe in my adulthood, even though, generally speaking, I was hard working, responsible, law obeying, consistently diligent in my career track doing what one does that should normally result in success, and a devoted Catholic, never falling away from the Church or backsliding into an immoral lifestyle. I am not without sun or mistakes, but the above is the God’s honest truth. The modern world as such hates people like me, and with the trauma from my family, it was always an uphill battle. 

In 2017, under extreme stress, a mild back injury resulting in extreme pain because of the stress, plus working full time and in my last semester of physical therapy school, and a strange nerve injury across my face causing even more extreme pain, I broke out in severe nerve and muscle pain through all four limbs, fatigue, and weakness in about one minute. It took the better part of a year to rule out serious physical illness and totally recover, returning to physical therapy school graduating top of my class, excelling in my clinicals.

My first two therapy jobs they literally tried to force me to participate in fraud.  The second job they tried to get me to coverup for an orthopedic surgeon apparently botching a hip replacement surgery.  The third job, in our small department of a homosexual manager, lesbian supervisor, and another lesbian, they frequently bashed conservative Christians, told sex jokes including in front of patients, and the two lesbians often when I was in the room told passive aggressive penis jokes.  When I politely asked it to stop, they retaliated. I then reported it to HR and that they frequently work six hours a day charting eight hours of patient treatment. The result was they took me off the schedule and then called me and fired me. First time in my life being fired. I asked why, was told because I’m not fitting in and its my word verses their word. The therapist they replaced me with was a transgender. I got unemployment but the EEOC lady interviewing me about my discrimination complaint, whose permission I needed to legally sue, literally told me they had a right to prefer LGBTQ people and made my complaint out to be frivolous. She was bigoted and broke the law since no company, unless they have special status, can do what they did. In hindsight, I should have escalated it to her supervisor and demanded a different investigator.

This was during a severe shortage of therapy jobs due to the pandemic and a period of Medicare reform causing major, temporary cuts in reimbursement.  It was a very trying period. 

After that period, the stress was still so high and chronic, I became very sick with GI symptoms, with symptoms suggesting possible colon cancer.  This took over me and the stress became so bad what happened in 2017 happened all over again suddenly, one morning waking to nerve and muscle pain through my whole body.  That was early May, 2023.  I had to rule out again all over again serious physical illness like MS, but had extreme difficulty getting help, with malpractice from providers. It has been the hardest battle of my life. 

Last September almost all symptoms went away most of the month, but right after I was assaulted by a guy committing road rage, who tried to break my window, and seriously injury me, at the scene all my symptoms returned to severe to this day.  I was forced to switch counselors, and to start pursuing lawsuits. My life is in an extremely difficult state, high pains levels, inability to work, next to zero support. 

But I pray daily and frequent the sacraments. A week ago for a whole day I had almost no pain,,which reinforced hope of eventual recovery. 

But that means forgiving all the narcissistic abuse from my past, and creating a boundary between myself and those people, which means either great distance or no contact.  I hope to recover soon, but know it will take years of concentrated healing.

As for the naysayer a-holes who would read and doubt any of this, then you are wasting your time idly reading this blog.  Find something else to read.

Otherwise I trust most readers here will understand and I ask please you to pray for my recovery. 

My new life involves taking special care of my mental and physical health, finding an authentic social support system even if it is very small and not always with Catholics are or as conservative as myself. God willing I am able to return to physical therapy and devote myself to helping patients rehabilitate their life. 

Would like to live one day a quiet, healthy, peaceful life in the mountains.  Maybe it will happen.

God’s will be done.

My Deportation Plan

Immediately send all the criminals and anti-Americans back. Then create deportation centers in every city. Mandate illegals to register there.  New illegals will be deported. Others here for so many years stay.  

Threaten nations of origin with tariffs, cutting foreign aid,, etc, to make them create sanctuary cities within their country.  They and the Democrats pay for them. Allow certain American factories there to provide jobs, but only a select few. Encourage small to medium size businesses owned locally.  ASAP create the infrastructure.  

Then fly or bus the illegal back to that new sanctuary city in their country.  If the illegal does not comply or register, arrest and deport them to their nation but not to the new city.  This would require master planning at the highest levels, but if little old me can envision this, then certainly PhD’s in economics and immigration, onboard with a Trump/MAGA plan like this can figure it out. 

With Vance etc, later over time elevate the conditions in Latin America, in conformity with what you and I believe, about Catholic teaching on government and the economy.  There is hope, with, thanks be to God, the re-election of Trump. 

No Christmas Til Christmas

Advent customs and some winter themes.  Otherwise, let's wait until Christmas for Christmas.  Keep the gifts very modest.  Focus on the Reason for the Season.  We put up the tree the first Sunday of Advent, like a winter decoration, and then decorate it Christmas Eve.  Egg nog is okay on Sundays in Advent.  Or apple cider.

Pope Francis: Please Give the SSPX Permission to Consecrate New Bishops

The two remaining bishops are stretched thin. SSPX Faithful need bishops they can trust to confirm their children, and ordain priests theologically formed in Tradition. If you do not allow this, they will still go forward with it. 1988 all over again. A major setback on relations between the Society, the bishops, and the Vatican.  You and your predecessor have already made it crystal clear the SSPX is not in schism. Also, maybe you could just go ahead and give full canonical regularization. :)