It is tough business dealing with narcissists (1). This is because built into the very dynamic of the extremely proud and vain person, and the more meek and humble person, that is in comparison to them within the interpersonal dynamic, is an extreme (apparent) power disparity.
The narcissist in that dynamic has nearly all the power to “win” where winning is dominating and preserving their reputation contrary the other, even when that preserved reputation is a lie. This power difference is what enables the narcissist to unjustly dominate, and get away with it, at least in the short term, nearly every time. It is diabolical (2).
The superior traits that enable this kind of person’s pathological behavior are, relative to their target, (apparently) better health, beauty, finances, social standing, children or more children (when treated like trophies), etc.
These are how the narcissist measures their own fundamental value, and that of others, and ultimately how they stand superior, with an air of superiority, over the person who has less of these successes.
The whole reasoning is fallacious and flies in the face of Christian morality. The attitude being good looks, money, and external successes are the VERY virtues themselves that make a man good, to be esteemed as a good, respectable man.
That is materialism, to treat material goods in themselves as moral virtues that define a man’s character. If that was true, some of the most nefarious, psychopathic men on the planet would be holy men for the wealth, beauty, marriage, and family size they have achieved.
The spirit of the modern age has evolved. It began with rebellion against the Church and a supernatural, hierarchical ordering to society. Roughly 1517 - 1960. Then, in addition to all that, it evolved into base materialism as the cultural norm roughly 1960 - 2000. Now, the revolution has achieved a whole new level, with an extreme selfishness and vanity that characterizes the majority of people today as a collective society. Not all, or almost all, but the ruling majority in most social sectors. The 21st century is now the age of entitlement coupled with sadistic abuse of one’s neighbor.
Yet it is the narcissist themselves who denies or minimizes this. The problem for them are all the “weak” people out there, complaining about them, expressing grievances about their ruinous effects on others, who don’t orient their lives to an ambitious pursuit of money and social status, in contrast to the average working class quiet man once content to afford a 1200 square foot house, and own one family car (3). And go on a camping vacation once a year. There once was a time when most men were cut that way, and tended to look on the former as laughable and extreme.
But the tables have been turned on ordinary men. It is not enough to eat a nutritious diet, clock in for work and do your job, be a decent coworker, and go home to a simple life centered on faith and family. Such a man is the outlier.
Entertainment, music, and all things pop culture have made narcissism the new norm. In the name of greed, and satisfying the greedy expectations of stock holders, commercialism has taken advantage of our fallen nature to sell us on a lifestyle of selfishness, self-promotion, self-worship, and hedonism.
You must be athletic, “work out” daily, have six pack abs, drive a cool, stylish car, and trying hard to climb up the corporate ladder so you are upper middle class or higher. And you must project that very image daily to others. Such worldliness, such a worldly mandate of how people must live, as a rule of life for the majority, and not as an option for the minority, was once divinely condemned.
Riches and beauty are morally neutral. But pride, vanity, avarice, snobbery, and contempt for the less successful are not. They lead a soul to damnation especially when embraced as a way of life, and not merely as personal weaknesses.
Narcissists have always been around. We knew who they were from a distance. They were typically the rich, those in control, those who live in rich neighborhoods, the big shots who strut their stuff around town showing off.
Now they are foolishly the majority everywhere. In your neighborhood, whether that’s rich, middle class, or poor, throughout the workplace, and the marketplace, and no different across the pews at church. Religious narcissism being alive and well in churches (4).
It is tough, mind-contorting, nearly impossible living or working with narcissists, whether relatives or coworkers. Left unchecked they will suck the life out of you, because that is what their personality disorder thrives on.
They consciously or at times subconsciously gain happiness through shaming you who they think, in reality usually falsely, is lesser than them. Through narcissistic supply, they thrive on everything being oriented to them, including your praise and attention. Through narcissistic abuse, in the forms of ignoring, patronizing, gaslighting, picking arguments, gossiping about you, and ultimately in getting others to alienate you, making you dejected and alone, including by them, they also thrive. That attitude is diabolical.
The narcissist thrives on an extreme pleasure in their own accomplishments or strengths, but also simultaneously on belittling or reducing down those around them. They are master manipulators having learned their craft usually since childhood. Either from being raised to be entitled, or rebelling arrogantly against childhood abuse by becoming the kind of person who abused them.
An example of the former is Paris Hilton. An example of the latter is the Joker from Batman.
Since this is now a cultural epidemic (1), we have to fight back so to speak to preserve our sanity, livelihoods, and the moral integrity of society. But it requires studying the disorder and methods of countering it. From my reading (1), and personal experience:
1. Identify very narcissistic people and groups of people, and avoid them altogether. If you can.
2. When you can’t, don’t get pulled into their game, which is easy to happen. But keep your guard up literally constantly. Since this is a very unhealthy dynamic, avoiding them is best, but when impossible you have to ignore their psychodrama.
3. Treat the exchange like a factual business exchange, exchanging data, goods, or services, with little interpersonal sharing, otherwise you will end up the target of their narcissistic abuse when you either don’t sit at their feet in adulation, or challenge them with criticism.
4. If you’re still trying to preserve the relationship, example at work, never criticize them, in self defense or otherwise, or else they will exact revenge on you, which often means trying to ruin you. And psychologically they know all the tricks, you’ve never had the malice or inclination to master yourself, to get even with you.
5. If you need them to do something, as in stop actions that are objective abuse, you literally have to ask them politely but not beg or be defensive. You have to be matter of fact and firmly state it as a request. They will comply, because if they don’t, they know you now have the upper hand with firmness and politeness, but not servile or a pushover way, and that if you complain to anyone “above” them in whatever the situation, you will likely prevail, and they will suffer for it. That takes a lot of foresight and planning exactly what to say when the incidents keep occurring. Be wise as serpents, and innocent as doves, so if you choose your words and approach very wisely, they won’t be able to credibly spin and falsely accuse you later. A narcissist has the skill set of harassing, and then when rightfully confronted in their behavior but with any kind of licit defensiveness, to later spin what happened and falsely accuse you of being the crazy aggressor. So anticipate that, and outsmart them.
Avoid all conflict with said person or appearance of conflict, even being defensive. Even when justified. They will always turn it on you. And they’ll win because they don’t play by the rules of God.
6. Since very narcissistic people are committed to it as a way of life, ultimately you have to get away from them, at least eventually. Very rarely do they repent, change, or get help from a pastor or counselor for their destructive level of social vanity.
This dynamic is now practically everywhere. The mathematical majority at least of people in their level of the social hierarchy walking around in a state of extreme pride and vanity about themselves, habitually abusing the man socially or psychologically who they think is lower than them on the totem pole. Because that method is what got them to their level of the totem pole. The prevalence of this dynamic in most parts of contemporary society being unprecedented.
This is not how to live. A simple, inward life, focused on faith, family, helping your community and church, providing a modest living, being as healthy as you can , having authentic friendships and close family ties, ruse is the design for humanity. You still see that among the outliers who are religious. Lower middle class Catholics or evangelicals who are devout. Among the Amish. Still often among rural small town people. For example.
But the Christian social ethic is uncommon now in the mainstream in cities and suburbs, and most modern environments. We live for the newest car, the latest iPhone, membership at the coolest gym, etc.
God does not care about any of this. He wants men who are meek and humble, of the heart, with a true value system and ordered lifestyle. Just read the book of Proverbs, or the Gospels, or St. Paul.
I’ve thought more overtly about this subject probably for the last ten years, hearing people like barbers talk about how the younger generations have become “narcissistic,” even the older generations following their example, which led me to read on the subject.
All of which is why I choose a quiet life, able to work now in my profession going to people’s homes instead of the workplace dominated by a false social Darwinism and a near breakdown in human relations. And why we choose a simple life, one in nature, in the countryside, carefully choosing those who are not committed in their behavior observed carefully over time to a shallow, vain glory, and using it to dominate others.
It shouldn’t be like this. But it is. We should be able to live and work morally in the mainstream, in peace, but if you are a Christian, a devout Catholic or evangelical, a conservative, a traditionalist, in your character and way of interacting with others, while still working on your own imperfections , the mainstream is turmoil. Because heck, it is even more turmoil and miserable for the narcissists you are having to contend with. A narcissist is an unhappy, empty person at odds with themselves, others, and God. We can only try not to get pulled down to their level, stand our ground, be a good example, and pray for them.
References:
1. See book written by two clinical psychologists, university researchers specializing in narcissism in American culture. Outlines the findings of published research since the 60s, the history of the phenomenon, and methods to counter-act it. The Narcissism Epidemic. Living in the Age of Entitlement.
2. Listen to Ann Barnhardt’s podcasts on Diabolical Narcissism, via her blog, how narcissism is now so prevalent in contemporary interactions that it is arguably the current, predominant framework for moral evils.
3. See books critiquing the breakdown of society after WWII due in part to materialism. Example: Judge Bork’s book Slouching Towards Gomorrah.
4. See book Don’t Let Jerks Get the Best of You, written by an evangelical psychiatrist who founded several Christian counseling clinics across the Midwest specializing in severe abuse recovery.