I turn 50 in a month. I’m starting over in my life. Have already been doing so for many months like a transition. I’m shedding the ugly memories of very difficult, hurtful people in my life, and healing from that trauma. I grew up in a very abusive home. As a result I unconsciously was drawn to narcissistic people, and they to me ever since. The pattern of abuse became severe in my adulthood, even though, generally speaking, I was hard working, responsible, law obeying, consistently diligent in my career track doing what one does that should normally result in success, and a devoted Catholic, never falling away from the Church or backsliding into an immoral lifestyle. I am not without sun or mistakes, but the above is the God’s honest truth. The modern world as such hates people like me, and with the trauma from my family, it was always an uphill battle.
In 2017, under extreme stress, a mild back injury resulting in extreme pain because of the stress, plus working full time and in my last semester of physical therapy school, and a strange nerve injury across my face causing even more extreme pain, I broke out in severe nerve and muscle pain through all four limbs, fatigue, and weakness in about one minute. It took the better part of a year to rule out serious physical illness and totally recover, returning to physical therapy school graduating top of my class, excelling in my clinicals.
My first two therapy jobs they literally tried to force me to participate in fraud. The second job they tried to get me to coverup for an orthopedic surgeon apparently botching a hip replacement surgery. The third job, in our small department of a homosexual manager, lesbian supervisor, and another lesbian, they frequently bashed conservative Christians, told sex jokes including in front of patients, and the two lesbians often when I was in the room told passive aggressive penis jokes. When I politely asked it to stop, they retaliated. I then reported it to HR and that they frequently work six hours a day charting eight hours of patient treatment. The result was they took me off the schedule and then called me and fired me. First time in my life being fired. I asked why, was told because I’m not fitting in and its my word verses their word. The therapist they replaced me with was a transgender. I got unemployment but the EEOC lady interviewing me about my discrimination complaint, whose permission I needed to legally sue, literally told me they had a right to prefer LGBTQ people and made my complaint out to be frivolous. She was bigoted and broke the law since no company, unless they have special status, can do what they did. In hindsight, I should have escalated it to her supervisor and demanded a different investigator.
This was during a severe shortage of therapy jobs due to the pandemic and a period of Medicare reform causing major, temporary cuts in reimbursement. It was a very trying period.
After that period, the stress was still so high and chronic, I became very sick with GI symptoms, with symptoms suggesting possible colon cancer. This took over me and the stress became so bad what happened in 2017 happened all over again suddenly, one morning waking to nerve and muscle pain through my whole body. That was early May, 2023. I had to rule out again all over again serious physical illness like MS, but had extreme difficulty getting help, with malpractice from providers. It has been the hardest battle of my life.
Last September almost all symptoms went away most of the month, but right after I was assaulted by a guy committing road rage, who tried to break my window, and seriously injury me, at the scene all my symptoms returned to severe to this day. I was forced to switch counselors, and to start pursuing lawsuits. My life is in an extremely difficult state, high pains levels, inability to work, next to zero support.
But I pray daily and frequent the sacraments. A week ago for a whole day I had almost no pain,,which reinforced hope of eventual recovery.
But that means forgiving all the narcissistic abuse from my past, and creating a boundary between myself and those people, which means either great distance or no contact. I hope to recover soon, but know it will take years of concentrated healing.
As for the naysayer a-holes who would read and doubt any of this, then you are wasting your time idly reading this blog. Find something else to read.
Otherwise I trust most readers here will understand and I ask please you to pray for my recovery.
My new life involves taking special care of my mental and physical health, finding an authentic social support system even if it is very small and not always with Catholics are or as conservative as myself. God willing I am able to return to physical therapy and devote myself to helping patients rehabilitate their life.
Would like to live one day a quiet, healthy, peaceful life in the mountains. Maybe it will happen.
God’s will be done.