I couldn’t fall asleep last night until 5 am. I woke up at 7:30 am to unlock the second dead bolt lock to let my wife in coming home from her night shift. Waking up I noticed the low back pain was intense. As I walked across the apartment to the front door I realized my legs felt heavy and weak.
Since May they’ve been weak alongside the different neurological pains, but today the weakness was twice as bad as I’ve so far experienced, plus a new heaviness, wobbliness, and feeling like I was losing control of my legs.
There is one explanation I can see, that the lumbar bone has possibly moved even closer to if not against the spinal cord. If a shift was now compressing spinal nerves themselves, I would expect a more intense nerve pain which I didn’t feel. At any rate, this signals a change in my spine that is very concerning.
I could say extremely concerning, but part of my task each day is positive thinking, so on the positive side it doesn’t seem so extreme to be an immediate emergency, confirmed by the fact that this evening my legs are at the previous level of weakness and I can walk relatively okay. I took gross anatomy once upon a time, and neuroscience in physical therapy school, such that I can at least say I do know this situation is very serious, with some level of risk of nerve or spinal cord injury, paralysis, and loss of bowel/urinary function.
I’m sure there are many possible scenarios in which the anatomical problem of L5 on S1 vertebral movement backward could lead to serious complications, in my individual body, especially considering there is the spinal cord and all the Cauda Equina nerves to contend with, that control the bowels, etc.
I’m not going to lie, there is a temptation to worry too much about a worse case scenario, and the devil knows my weakness for obsessing about extreme patterns of hardship I’ve gone through. So I can feel the oppression coming at me.
I’m sitting right now in my recliner watching TV, above which in a book shelf is our family altar. I cling visually to that altar, to the crucifix, statue of Our Lady, statue of St. Michael, a small plastic skull to remind of the four last things, a third class relic of St. Padre Pio, etc. In my lap is a pillow on top of which is the fire stick remote, a rosary, and a rosary ring.
I’m armed spiritually, offering this for my amazing wife right now back in the hospital taking vital signs, giving patients baths, and changing bed pans, so we can get by. My task this evening is to make a list of very specific questions for my family doc appointment this Thursday.
My first priority is to nail down whether or not the current state of my spine may require surgery soon if not an emergency surgery, which today’s change makes me think is very possibly the case. At the same time I’m surgically narrowing down what I’ll tell the doctor to make sure due attention is given to this considering this family practice sees a lot of patients. My second priority is to make sure I’m continuing on the right track to overcome the neurological symptoms thought to be from B12/B9 deficiency due to GI illness.
I place all this before Christ on the Cross, and will trust in His Providence through all of this. This is all part of my test, whether or not I go to heaven or hell. I continue to choose the way of the Cross leading to the resurrection