Twenty-five years ago someone I then considered a friend told me his conviction that “friendship is dead.” He did not believe in the Christian or even humanistic ideal that is friendship. Needless to say, when one person believes in friendship, and the other doesn’t, true friendship is impossible. Last I heard, he has embraced a long path of aimlessness, materialism, godlessness, and is now hopelessly homeless. Lord have mercy on us.
Aristotle says in his book on Ethics, in the chapter on friendship (recall St. Thomas Aquinas greatly relies upon on the wisdom of Aristotle, as the Church herself relies greatly upon St. Thomas) that friendship is a necessity because it is how we develop virtue. Without friends, it is very difficult to develop virtue. For example, justice is giving to the other that which is their due or right, so when complex situations arise for example in public or in the work place, it is the development first of this justice between friends in private that predisposes us in public situations how to be fair and just. If you are a bad friend, odds are you’re a jerk in public; or conversely, through true friendship we learn not to be jerks in public.
But that godless position of that former friend, if he ever was one, reminds me of the saying of Nietzsche “God is dead.” This was both his irreverent rejection of the role of the living, all good God in everyday life, which would be utterly false, but also an observation about the ethos of post-Englightenment modern society up to his time, that is even more true today. He rightly observed that in the heart and mind of modern society, on a practical level, symbolically speaking, which would be true to say, “God is dead.”
And so I would now agree twenty-five years later, having had many friendships, which typically for most do not last because of selfishness, pride, and a lack of belief in serious friendship, in the mind and heart of this current society, that is the modern West, “friendship is indeed dead.” Our society has become so full of empty, fake, fair-weather friendships, that we no longer believe as a society in authentic friendship, while the minority such as myself do.
I’ll put it this way, even when there is some inequality in the friendship, where one person is superior materially or morally or in some other respect, which Aristotle says is possible in an abiding friendship, there is no true friendship when one person looks down with an attitude of superiority on the other person, controlling or manipulating them for whatever selfish purpose, making a habit of patronizing, conceited, or condescending words or gestures. It doesn’t work. But from observing other friendships besides my own, this itself is commonplace. This being a culture of narcissism and materialism, most people rashly judging even their friends by a superficial version of social status rather than a deeper moral version of status. Most prefer the cocky, good looking, well off man who is otherwise generous and of use to them socially than the plain, simple man who prefers quiet and sincere friendships to superficial ones. This is the spirit of the age, and I expect most devout Catholics and Christians reading this blog see this as well.
Without basic respect between two friends maintained over time, there is no real friendship. Either it needs to be remedied or ended fur the sake of peace, and to not disgust God making a mockery of something He created as part of society, that is friendship.
Aristotle describes different legitimate forms of friendship. When one neighbor spends time chatting with another neighbor about life, with the ultimate aim of being able to help each other out materially from time to time, it is called a “utilitarian friendship.” We also have casual friendly acquaintances which most people make in the community. But the truest friendship is one that is close, serious, based on a shared wisdom (this would include some shared beliefs and values) and virtue (especially the virtue of friendship itself). This requires a lot of understanding, patience, loyalty, if necessary confronting ill behavior, sincere apologies and contrition, and forgiveness. Since every one of us is imperfect, making mistakes against the friendship itself requires occasional remedies.
But this is practically dead today. It takes a rare person, or rather rare pairing of two persons, to accomplish this kind of permanency and serious commitment. True serious friendships are not frequent or even commonplace. The kind that existed between the apostles, and Christ. Or in a monastery or convent. The kind in which either person would sacrifice greatly for the other, even perhaps their life if it came to it. They are something to be sought after however long that takes, even if it means just a few utilitarian friends or friendly acquaintances, until you find the kind of friendship that should last. Still if you find that, it is a treasure, but because it is a treasure, you might not ever find it in this self-centered society, except hopefully instead in your spouse if you are married.