The narcissist is a person who is extremely vane, self-centered, and self-promoting. They equate happiness with social status, wealth, and power. Truth for them is not reality but appearances. That applies equally across social classes today, whether “successful” (according to contemporary measurements) or not, fueled by a narcissistic culture enabled by public education, news media, entertainment media, social media (!), and nearly every fabric of life. Whether in the work place, the market place, in social circles, heck even at church where Christians are called to show their love for God in their love for one another.
The powers-that-be at all social levels do not promote wisdom or virtue, but instead self-indulgence, greed, and privatized cliques serving private interests at the expense of those outside the clique. They would read something like the above and label you an outcast or worse a terrorist, for challenging this status quo of narcissism, and speaking up for Truth.
By Truth, I am referring to the moral teachings of Christ and His Church, not only about what is due to God alone, but also about being honest, fair, and charitable to your neighbor (commandments # 4 - 10, plus the Golden Rule). For the narcissist, their moral standard is a politically correct, sanitized form of niceness, which in truth is really little more than a veiled passive aggressive state of inner turmoil and aggressive threat to anyone around them who gets in their way. The ideology of secularist pacifism being really a state of war, philosophically speaking. This would exclude the pacifism promoted by such groups as the Amish or Quakers, though objectively still an error.
And so what plays out between you and the narcissist, either a person with full blown NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder -- which, if the person actually has this disorder -- would be a mitigating factor lessening culpability on their part), or just the average secularist, materialist subscribing to narcissistic values and behavior, becomes something ungodly, even diabolical, and very complex to dissect out.
Being someone who has made philosophical observations over the years about this trend, and as someone who has dealt with my own fair share of narcissists, in recent years I read a few books on the subject, one which read as if it was written by traditional Catholics, but in reality the authors were probably just anchored in the same Western morality, realism, and altruistic culture that I am as a believing, traditional Catholic. And which likely you, the reader, are.
Anyways, it’s something I’ve been more aware of in the last few years on a personal level. Here are some things I’ve learned -- from hard personal experience, and research -- that you might find helpful when dealing with a narcissistic type of person.
The Narcissist Dynamic:
1. One sign the person is a narcissist, is that they are not asking you questions about yourself, actively listening to your responses, or taking an interest in your life or background. The communication is almost entirely about them or their thoughts.
2. Their body language, word choice, and tone, based on the circumstances, indicates condescension and de-personalization, that you are so beneath them that you lack real value which they appreciate or want to benefit from.
3. Yet the narcissist asks for your help, your time and attention, or makes use of you somehow for whatever they need. They will give shallow smiles and hellos, but they will manipulate you to use you.
4. Sooner or later these episodes of manipulation and condescension manifest into a pattern which must be addressed. If not addressed, then the pattern will continue, you will suffer unnecessarily, and said person will only be encouraged to keep sinning.
5. If you try to talk to them directly, and tell them your concerns, or worse directly correct their behavior, even mildly with no judgment of them personally as to their intent or character, or worse respond to unprovoked insults (example: making a shaming, mocking comment about your fitness level in front of others) with even mild insults in return (example: “hey, you’re acting like a jerk today”), no matter how calm or civil you do so, they will take great offense. It is as if you have thrust an emotional sword into their precious ego. At that point, you have made the mortal mistake, a tactical error I myself have made a number of times. The relationship is almost unrecoverable at that point. It is not your fault, morally, but there is a wiser, more clever psychological way to handle narcissistic abuse.
6. The narcissist is not so much judging your behavior, what you actually say or do, but appearances, and how that appearance in the context corresponds to their vane, worldly view of the world. They’re not really talking to you directly, but past you to that social group which they do not like. This plays out when the narcissist is more secular and liberal than the non-narcissist. They take your mere presence as a micro-aggression threat representing those who are more conservative, religious, and traditionally moral, and even more so if white, male, or Christian. No matter what you say, or how you respond, you are treated as guilty of a future crime against their inflated ego. Ideologies like critical race theory, gender theory, or feminism often come into play in this dynamic, at least on a subtle level when the errors spread by those dominant ideologies have corrupted the majority through everyday media. In short, the narcissist will abuse, then take any self-defense as judgmentalism against them, ironically, hypocritically being judgmental and threatening to you, when you were never the same to them. This is what makes the narcissistic dynamic diabolical, psychiatric...and dangerous.
7, The narcissistic kind of person, as soon as they realize you are not okay with their treatment, that you see them for what they are -- a narcissistic jerk -- will commit to “narcissistic abuse.” You no longer serve the purpose of propping up their own ego and self-worth. You make them look bad, or worse could cause them some trouble down the line. Narcissistic abuse usually takes the form of public shaming, public gossip and slander about the person to hurt their reputation and standing in the group, marginalization, ostracizing, harassment, or even illegal discrimination. You do not want to be subject to any of this, it is like someone waging war with you mentally and socially.
8. A few other parts of the narcissistic dynamic: they usually get away with their behavior because they are part of a clique or group of people they know will support them vs you, if you are not in the group or do not have the same level of standing in the group. It will never come down to facts and reality, about actual behavior, what was actually said or done, but about appearances and status. The more religious, morally conservative, upstanding in your treatment of others, the less materialistic and vane you are, the more likely you will become s target. And you will have less power in the dynamic to stand up for yourself, and deal with any fallout from the narcissistic abuse that ensues when you cross the narcissist. This dynamic is like Christ being tempted by the Devil or the Pharisees. They want nothing more than to drag you down to their turmoil and lack of peace, and make you look like an angry troll if you get angry (which would be your right). They are not open to fraternal correction; and if you try, they will turn the tables on you and paint you as a crazy person It never works.
Dealing with the Narcissist:
1. If they show strong traits for narcissism, such as arrogance, frequent bragging about their possessions or successes, show little regard for the personhood of ordinary people around them, if at all possible, avoid them like the plague. That would also extend to their closest acquaintances and clique. Do not think about, talk about, or interact with them. Just pray for their conversion, forgive, and forget. And by "forget," forget about trying to have any kind of relationship with them again.
2. However, if you must work or otherwise interact with them, highly manipulate the dynamic, get the upper hand, but not in a way they would ever realize. Remember, they are so tuned into their latest purchases and spray tans that they will have no clue when you bring out the mental Judo that is far more effective than their low-level, pop-cultural way of manipulating people around them. As soon as you see the signs emerge as a pattern, you have to take this strategy from now on with that person.
3. You’re going to have to praise them often to soothe that addictive need for praise from others, but make it praise that indirectly disarms their narcissism. Praise all those behaviors that are good, friendly, civil, which are healthy social behaviors, instead of their toxic anti-social behaviors. Thank them often for their genuine help. Think positive reinforcement strategies.
4. Never even give the superficial appearance of arguing, even when arguing is justified, or you are not actually "arguing." Do not be defensive, or use defensive language like “Okay yeah I was just wanting to ask you a question.” The word “just” in that comment will likely trigger their brain chemistry to respond with more narcissism.
5. Instead make frequent requests. Let your language and tone be very matter of fact, even almost robotic.
6, Otherwise when talking to them be light-hearted, friendly, make light of situations to diffuse tensions. Joke around, but in a very light-hearted way.
In conclusion, in today’s culture, no matter how devout or humble you are, we all can be influenced by a culture of narcissism and ourselves exhibit narcissistic behaviors from time to time. But when someone is habitually, overtly self-centered, self-promoting, materialistic, and vane—i.e. a narcissistic person—and truth be told that is the majority of people today, then you have to switch to the mode of mental Judo to manipulate that dynamic, so that in the end you maintain your own peace and basic dignity as a child of God. If the person is extremely narcissistic, then if possible, avoid them, forgive them, but move on to forming friendships with caring, charitable, Christ-like people.
Praise be to Jesus Christ.
Questions, comments, or constructive feedback, email me at:
JosephOstermeir@gmail.com